Mistakes I Made When TRIGGERED
You can feel it coming in like the ocean’s tide. Going about your everyday tasks, you’ll start to get an uneasy feeling and you don’t even know why. But, you know it’s coming. You become more and more anxious, your thoughts flying a million miles a minute. Before you know it, your body is shutting down in a state of panic and all you want is somewhere safe to go. You feel bewildered because you have no idea where it came from. You have been triggered.
Trigger responses came later for me. Not until I was down from the adrenaline high of surviving did I start experiencing fight or flight overdrive. The panic attacks took me completely off-guard at first. My first mistake was trying to escape it.
1: I tried to drown it
I tried to drown it with alcohol. I tried to numb it with substances. I tried to get as far away from the memories in my mind as I could. Blood. Drink. Zip ties. Drink. Nightmares. Drink. It NEVER helped. I repeat: drinking alcohol for my pain NEVER helped. Trying to drown the pain is like trying to doggy paddle in the middle of the ocean. You may feel like you’re making it, but you can’t maintain it forever and eventually you will drown. It only makes things worse.
2: I fed into it
When drowning it didn’t work, I started feeding into it. I would start to feel the uneasy feeling and I would just run with it. I let myself worry and panic, adding situations in my mind that weren’t even possibilities. Wallowing in traumatic memories, I would throw so much fuel on the fire that I rendered myself incapacitated. This is where depression seizes hold of you and keeps you trapped inside your mind while the outside world goes on happening without you.
3: I denied it
After time passed and I became accustomed to them, I would try to deny that I had triggers. After all, I was a survivor and successful at life. I was helping people with their problems and well-respected among my peers. How could I possibly have weak moments? How could I possibly struggle mentally with fears and memories? I refused to acknowledge them, pushing them away until my body forced me by involuntarily shutting down. And it did. My body would physically get sick, rendering me down and out for days because I denied how I felt.
4: Now I control it
Feeling the rise of emotion and learning how to ride it is how I now deal with triggers. I pay attention to my surroundings and what time of year it is. I brace myself and make sure I have a solid plan and support system going into crowds. I know when my body is on the verge of panicking. Letting myself breathe, I feel all of it and readjust my perspective.
Get away from where you’re at. Think about something else. List off things in your head you are grateful for. Get up and do something. It’s okay to cry. To let yourself grieve. That’s riding the wave up. But, then come constructively down. It’s a graceful ride in the shadow of the wave. Not a straight dive down to the rocky coral. Feel it. Breathe deep. Follow positive thoughts through the tunnel and glide onto shore whole and exhilarated from the rush.
